Menopause… ‘women’s business’, right?

Really, men? Yes, so it would seem, I’m afraid – loads of men I know think that the menopause isn’t their issue. These are men whose female partners are in their mid-40s! These are men who, when their partners were pregnant, trotted along to antenatal classes, got informed and were amazing birth partners when their children were born, and yet, the whole menopause thing isn’t on their radar! 

It wasn’t so long ago that birth and babies were considered ‘womens’ business’ too. When I was born (ok, quite a long time ago, actually) my dad wasn’t there and didn’t change a nappy or really have much involvement with me at all for the first 9 months or so. Today’s parents understand the vital role played by the partners of pregnant women in the birth room and also postnatally and it seems laughable that it was ever any other way.

I mean, it’s taken decades to get to that point but nowadays with wonderful Instagram, Facebook etc. important messages and information and ideas are shared so much more widely and so easily. So, surely it won’t take as long for blokes to get clued up about the menopause – a process that every single woman will go through. That’s right… EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN. 

So, men… if you have a woman in your life this affects YOU. That woman might be your mum, your sister, your partner, friend, work colleague, whatever… if that woman is one of the 50% reporting that the menopause has impacted negatively on their sex life, one of the 50% saying the same about their home life, one of the 36% who said their menopause symptoms impact their social life or one of the 45% reporting a negative impact on their work… Menopause affects you too. How can it not? In fact, 38% of partners report feeling helpless and 28% report increased arguments due to their own lack of understanding of ‘what she’s going through’.

Now, relax. You don’t need medical-degree knowledge on the menopause, you don’t need to read tons of books or sit down with your work colleagues and ask them how their vulvas are doing either… there’s nothing to feel scared, embarrassed or bogged-down about. You just need to be aware of some real basics (basics that lots of women aren’t aware of, to be honest) and, if it’s appropriate, be prepared to ask questions and listen.

So, the basics I’m talking about here are the really common symptoms of the menopause. Now, it may be that the significant woman in your life doesn’t know about these either – I didn’t a year ago. At 48 I knew 3 facts about the menopause: periods stop, hot flushes and night sweats start. That’s it. So, for a few months I was gradually self-diagnosing myself with dementia, depression, bi-polar and various cancers because I had 17 of the following 35 symptoms with zero idea that they were anything to do with the menopause/perimenopause: 

Dry skin, weight gain, hot flushes, night sweats, sleep disruption, insomnia, exhaustion, mood swings, palpitation, chest pain, breathlessness, tinnitus, depression, anxiety, water retention, intolerance to alcohol/caffeine, hair loss or thinning, vaginal dryness, bladder weakness, incontinence, urinary tract infections, yeast infections, lack of libido, change of body shape, breast enlargement, dry eyes, dry mouth, itchy skin, hearing loss, memory loss, poor concentration, foggy thinking, aching joints, stiffness, gum disease.

If you’re reading those and  having a lighbulb moment because you recognise them either in someone you know or yourself, then it’s probably time to start having conversations and getting informed. Because doing so will only have benefits for you and those around you, whether your male or female. 

Here are some great places to start:

Meg’s Menopause

The Menopause Doctor

Menopause Support

Probably Perimenopausal

I’m 49. Up until about a year ago Menopause was something I hadn’t given more than a moment’s thought to. I’ve got some friends who are a few years older than me, but, to be perfectly honest, if menopause symptoms were mentioned during our boozy ‘girls’ nights I’d pretty much glaze over and be keen to move the subject on, because, ya know, BORING!

… and not just boring, but a bit scary and depressing too. I mean, why would I want to think about a stage in my life where I would surely be just a sweating, emotional wreck that everyone would hate? Ready for the scrap heap. A husk of a woman.

It’s not a fun, sexy topic at first glance, that’s for sure. Also, it’s taboo. Of course it is… it’s a female issue and we all know that generally topics around the female anatomy, periods, female sexual enjoyment etc. have always been deemed a bit too sordid for discussion or even acknowledgement…that’s a whole other blog post topic for another day, but I will come back to it!

The result is, at the grand old age of 48 I knew nothing and had self-diagnosed myself with an impressive list of terrifying conditions… Alzheimer’s, dementia, Bipolar, anxiety, depression, various cancers and also being an intolerant bitch. I’d noticed that I was tired, my body ached a lot, I was forgetful, had a kind of brain-fog going on, I was more anxious, sometimes had sleepless nights, I had days where I felt in a very dark place emotionally and days where I felt invincible. What I didn’t have, as far as I was concerned, were Menopause symptoms – because we all know what they are, right? There are only 3: hot flushes, night sweats & your periods stop. Simples.

So, I was following Dr Louise Newson (@menopause_doctor) on Instagram, I don’t know why I was following her because, as we’ve established at that point Menopause wasn’t on my radar, although it must’ve been a bit, I guess! She recommended The Good Menopause Guide by Liz Earle so I bought it. In the second chapter there’s a list of symptoms associated with the perimenopause. I read it and the penny dropped. There are 35 listed and I found myself nodding my way through them. I then started grabbing the book everytime I was with a female friend around my age and reading the list out to them and witnessing lightbulb moments every time! I know of loads of women who are on antidepressants and it occurs to me that maybe their doctors just aren’t terribly clued up about the menopause…

One of the foundations of any antenatal education workshops/courses I’ve run over the last 10 years, is informed decision making. When it comes to your body, your baby, your health and that of your family it’s vital to get informed. You don’t need to have medical degree knowledge (that’s what doctors are there for) but in order to have respectful conversations with and also to know how to get information from caregivers you need to take responsibility and get a bit informed. I did that myself when I was pregnant with my first child, I’ve done it throughout my parenting journey, I’ve done it as regards my own health and I’ve done it as I hurtle towards the menopause.

I’m probably perimenopausal. I don’t need a doctor to confirm that for me, I’ve got informed, I’ve read books, I’ve listened to expert speakers, I’ve interviewed experts too. What stands out most of all is that women and men need to get their heads out of the sand and start conversations in the same that they did eventually about 40 years ago around childbirth and parenting – when I was born, my dad was nowhere to be seen and didn’t pick me up until I was about a year old because all that was ‘women’s work’. That’s laughable now! I’m totally confident that my experience of the menopause will be so much better than for women even just a couple of years ago, because we ARE gradually getting informed and TALKING about it.

Let’s keep talking! Get in touch, I’d love to hear your experiences x